Sunday, 15 July 2018

I have a plan...!

I have a plan!

All I have to do, is avoid the the bloody Pterosaurs and wait...

It's so simple I don't know why I didn't think of it before!

Actually, I don't know how long I've been in here... I don't actually know if time passes in here... so I may have thought of this brilliant idea really quickly after all! Yay me!

But I digress... all I have to do, is wait. Wait until I* stick my head down into the Event Waistband, and scramble up it and away!

I know it will work, as that's how I ended up in here....

Hmmm... I may have to think this through.

No rush, I have plenty of time.


* I, being previous me, a short time** ago. No paradox there, surely...

** Time, being what it is, What it is, I have no idea... or how long it was ago. Or will be, eh....

Friday, 25 May 2018

Aiieee again...

No need to panic- I can see now. It's not a fly!

I think I must have panicked a little, there, I'm terribly sorry. A fly is only a problem if it gets in a teleportation cubicle with one's good self. How absurd to worry about that!
I've fallen into the crotch of a pair of Chronopants, by Jove, not a Teleportation Cubicle.
That's in the Garage, not the Bloodshed.


Anyway, it seems to be some sort of Pterosaur. 



Good job it's so far away then, that it looks like a fly, eh.

Cool under pressure, me.

Oh, yes, by the way.


(It was in the title, after all...)

See you in the past!

Thursday, 10 May 2018

Aiee! The bloody nerve of some...people.

I'm falling, you see.

Rather slowly, as it happens, and in no particular direction, so I suppose that's all right.

I don't know if you can see this journal posting, but some damn fool has pushed me into the Chronovortex - yes that one- in the nether regions of my Time Travel Trousers!

And as if that wasn't bad enough- some other damn fool grabbed my arm and hauled me in!

And if that wasn't bad enough... he then proceeded to scramble up my back and climbed out, through the Event Waistband, thus propelling me deeper into this bloody void.

And to make matters worse- I'm sure he - for it was indeed a he- was in fact me!
(Another me, that is - not this me, obviously). And if it wasn't me, then he was a damn fine looking fellow, cut from the same cloth, I can tell you.
And so I assume it was yet another me who did the pushing as well...

Anyway, that explains that.... I think. Complicated, this Time Trousering, that's certain.

I wonder if it was me who pushed me in? And from where, or rather, when?
At least I suppose this means I will get out of here eventually... I'll try and write again, and let you know what happens- it might be a lark!
If I can, that is. Who knows how long ones accumulator will last in such a place, or indeed how long is long in here? I suppose I'll have plenty of time to think things over until I can climb out over the back of the next me - however long it takes. Or not...

Well, let's see what's what, eh?

Oh dear - is that a fly? 0-o

Sunday, 25 February 2018

Either something Rather Odd is going on...

...or am I just getting paranoid?

Or... has it something to do with this damn-fool Chonovortex?
I wonder.

Here I am, staring into the swirling pit of the Time Vortex whizzing quietly around in the croth of the Time Travel Trousers that I had so recently acquired - it's oh so pretty, so colourful, so serene - in an apocalyptic chasm-of-infinite-nothingness, of course; Sipping a nice hot cup of Oolong that I had just popped out of the Bloodshed to get, feeling quite nice and snoozy and calm and not at all being drawn slowly and inexorably into the void, when I saw something -or someone out of the corner of my eye!

I of course whipped around, expecting to catch some blighter trying to spy on my many secrets through the  door that I had been forced to leave open (I don't think these blasred Time Travel Trousers have seen the inside of a decent laundry for many a good year, neither subjective nor objective, and so have a certain malodorous funk about them that fair makes the old eyes water in a confined space, I must say), but there wasn't anyone to be seen?

Am I seeing things? Pixies?

I replayed the notion over in my head. There was definitely a blur, of that I have no doubt.
The cat? Possibly, but she is far too cautious to venture into the Bloodshed, even just the doorway. Not again, anyway... Wait-

A noise from without. That bush is rustling... I'll be right back.

Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Oh dear, here I am again. And again!

I must say, this time travel is confusing!
I'm not even supposed to be doing it, so I must say this is quite an inconvenience!

Still, accidents happen, and here I am. Again.
Following the unfortunate encounter with those accursed Time Travel Trousers, that I may or may not have related to you already... have I even described them to you yet? Well...

Ahem, an unfortunate event, needless to say, and I found myself cast into the Vortex- then, here I was once more! Imagine my relief! I cast off the treacherous trews, and, clad in my finest underwear, dashed into the BloodShed to see to their immediate shutting down when - imagine my surprise... I was already in there!

Had I been propelled into the past, and nearly surprised my unsuspecting past self with my unexpected appearance? Such an event would be unthinkably unwise - paradoxically speaking. I could well precipitate my immediate and messy dissolution at best, or cause the entire vista of creation itself to pop like an over-inflated bladder!

Or had I been precipitated into some future time, where revealing myself to, er, myself would not go down too well. Knowing me as I do, a past version of myself would probably be received with the same sort of enthusiasm reserved for an unwanted relative in one's nuptual chambers...

Either way, things would not end well, and I was not going to be 'that chap'...

In short, I do not know!

I retired quietly to a nearby bush, and have been skulking in here for quite some little time now.
Fortunately, my pocket telegraph seems to work quite well still, although its pile is nearly exhausted, and its poor chronometer doesn't know if it is coming or going...

Very much like myself!

I shall stop here, while I still have a little power remaining, lest I should need to communicate further!

Hopefully, I shall update you soon, or will have already done so...

Oh dear...

Monday, 25 December 2017

Seasons Greetings!

It's a happy end-of-year, however you like it, so have a Very Happy Time!

Sunday, 19 November 2017

So, how does it all work, this Chronopiracy, II ?

Finally - the power has run down on the damnable Procrastinationiser!
Now I feel the need to explain how things work around here, in some finer detail - so, get a biscuit and pin back your ears...

Actually, it is a little like, and yet unlike, angling, really.

It's all very well, sitting quietly on the riverbank, dangling your hook in the water and wondering what, if anything you are going to pull out of the murky pool...

Fishing analogies are all very well and good, but in the case of Chronopiracy, strangely fitting!

Sitting by a fishing hole is all very well, if you are looking for a quiet time away from it all, but when there are Timebuckles to be Swashed, it's just not enough... (Unless you are ice fishing, with a couple of litres of vodka cooling down another ice hole, but that's another thing altogether!)

In fact, dangling the Chronopiratical equivalent of a grappling hook down a time-hole and dragging it along who-knows what until it snags something can't even really be compared to fishing - it's more like dragging for a body - and you can't really tell what you might disturb... some sort of Relic, perhaps?
(In my defence - I didn't pull that thing out of the time hole - it just followed me home. Honest. )
I really should see if it is still trapped in the shed...

Sooner or later, the urge to get into the water arises!

So - what is he rambling on about now? I sense you thinking...
Well, now I have the means to venture personally Into the TimeStreams!
Impressive, eh?
Well, I must confess, that I have had the means for some time - where do you think I have been "fishing", eh?

The answer is...

Time Trousers! - Or rather - Time Travelling Trousers, rather than the late Mr Pratchett's lovely description of the moment-to-moment branchings of history.
Indeed - Trousers that let the wearer Travel in Time! Strap yourself into a pair - and awaaay we go!

Not quite as simple as  that though; Oh Dear Me - No.
 Like most things in life, and just about all things in everything else, there is, as always, a catch.

In this particular case, No Instructions...

Now buying most things that come without an instruction manual, is usually not too much of a problem, for those with a practical mind, and as I pride myself on practically having one, I decided, when the opportunity arose to acquire said Pants, I really didn't see that as a problem, for various reasons:

1. I didn't actually buy the Trousers in the first place. (Chronopirate, eh ;) )
2. I half expected the instruction book to be in one of the pockets. Did not expect a banana.
3. I had to act quickly to er, not buy the things in the first place, when the erstwhile occupant of the pants had his back turned. Have you seen how quickly an Orangutan can move?

Anyway, he (I believe it was a he), popped out of nowhere in these glorious strides, drops trou, pulls a stand out of a pocket, or so it seemed, and hung them up. He then swanned off on some apish errand, and I swiped them, so to speak (borrowed them, actually, according to my ambulance-chaser, ahem), whilst they were evidently recharging. Or something.

Now if anyone is actually reading this, I may just have given away the original and rightful owner of the Trousers, but, as I see it, if he wants them back, I can always return them to just after I, er, acquired them in the first place, so no harm done...

So, anyway, there I am, the new possessor of these:-

But with no bloody idea how they work - you would think that the controls would have some labels on them, but oh, no - that would be far too easy...

Anyway, by a careful scientific method, and a really long stick, I did manage to make something happen...

...and something started to glow inside...

And lo-
Some sort of Vortex appeared, inside the very Pants themselves! A good job then too, that I didn't try them on!
Sadly, the Vortex itself doesn't photograph at all... perhaps time is shy or something, but if you can imagine a twirly, swirly low-budget sci-fi movie whirlpool effect just inside the waistband...
Then you might have the same revelationary idea that I did - and drop a fishing line down into it! 
It did look like a good place to fish...

So now you know how I started in the Chronopiracy business! 

( I had some success with a camera, but I do need to keep some things to myself... ;)  )

Once I've figured out just how the controls work without sending my nether regions to the twilight zone, I'll let you know what - or where- I get up to! 

Ta ta for now!